I went into labor. Again. But then I didn't.

So I've been having more or less regular contractions for a few weeks now. Yesterday they finally got to a point where they were coming every 20 to 30 mins...then every 10 mins...then every 7 or 8 mins. So we called Michelle so she could come get Parker, we notified Grandmommy Brenda so she could pick Parker up from Michelle's later that night, and I threw the rest of my toiletries into my hospital bag. By the time Parker was gone and we were driving to the hospital, the contractions were about 5-6 mins apart which is exactly when my doctor told me to come in. And he was on call. Perfect.

So we get there and the sweet ladies who are checking me in keep asking if I'm okay because I keep breathing through some very intense contractions. (How many times can I say the word 'contractions'? Honestly.) I can barely talk at times and it's hard for me to answer their questions. We finally get back to the triage room where they hook you up to all sorts of stuff and check your dilation progress. About two minutes after all of this is done, my contractions stop. Completely. Just stop. Then a random little blip here and there shows up on the monitor. Then nothing. Then a few big daddys. Then nothing. You have GOT to be kidding me.

Parker's Godmother came up for support and Lauren, massage therapist extraordinaire, came to work on the exact pressure points you aren't supposed to touch on a pregnant woman because it could send her into labor. Then the nurse sent me on a walk for an hour which felt very much like gym in high school when it's raining outside and the teacher just makes you walk circles around the basketball court for the entire period. Except I got to wear a hospital gown. Two actually. One on my front and one on my back so my butt didn't hang out. It's all very dignified.

All of this hard work got the contractions started back up again. Except, get this, the super intense ones were about 7 or 8 mins apart so they weren't close enough to send me back into labor and the ones that were close enough together were the dinky annoying ones that just make you irritable and nothing else. So after three hours and two internal checks I got sent home. How adorable is that?

Now it's the day after and I am consistently having contractions but it's the same deal as when I left the hospital...big, mcnasty ones just close enough to drive me crazy but not enough to dilate me any further and little irritating ones every 5 or 6 mins. I didn't even know this was possible. I do have an appointment with my OB tomorrow so maybe he will take some pity on me and help get this party started.

Also, I hate the term 'false labor'. It's very real, my friends. Very, very real. It's also just dumb and goes away for no good reason. The end.

I think the baby weighs more than me. Pretty sure.

I just want to put a bumper sticker on my butt that says "I'd rather be breastfeeding". Maybe that'll speed up the process.

I had another doctor appointment yesterday. I haven't dilated any more since I went into labor a couple of weeks ago but I am starting to soften. Sounds gross but I'm excited about it. This is a pretty personal blog post so if you don't want to know or you are my dad....the end.

For everyone else...I have stopped having serious appointments with my doctor. Being able to joke with him gets out some of my frustrations without having to freak out or have an emotional, hormone-induced meltdown on a table that has stirrups. I should also note that although I have the best doctor on the planet, he has one major flaw: giant hands. For anyone who has ever been to an Obstetrician, you can see how this is a big time bummer. Also, I apparently have no filter on my mouth these days due to overall exhaustion which seems to make for a good time for everyone around me.

So this was my first official visit where I get my internal checks to see how I am dilating and all that jazz. Always a good time. As he is putting on his gloves and getting ready to start this lovely process, I say:

"When you check me, please be gentle."
"Well, I was planning on getting a running start."
"Funny. But seriously, it is unfair how huge your hands are."

This is where is nurse laughs in shock and looks at him for a response.

"Well you know what big hands mean..."

Awkward pause that I didn't realize was there until after I left the office.

He continues..."it means we don't drop babies. And that's a good thing."
"Yes, that is a good thing. Still not fair though."

After that lovely scene and I was all covered up again, he told me I hadn't dilated any more but the baby is head down and I have started to soften which is all good. Then he asked me if I wanted to schedule my induction for the 24th of this month. I'll be honest. I am pretty sure I made a pouty face and whimpered a little bit. Then I said, "I was really hoping you would say something like, 'You are at 9 centimeters so let's go ahead and do this thing' ". He thought that was pretty funny. Rude.

But I did find out that not only can I stop taking my medicine that stops contractions, but if I get those Big Kahuna contractions without the little, more annoying ones first, the medicine wouldn't stop them anyway. Good to know. And then we scheduled my appointment for next week just in case I make it through the weekend. I don't think I will but my doctor thinks I might.

On another note, we have made some major progress with the house. The guest room is done, the loft is now the playroom we have wanted it to be, and the nursery is done with the exception of the wall decals and hanging of the clock. The only huge task we have left is to sort through all of  the stuff we have purged and start posting it on Craig's List. I have no idea how we accumulated so much stuff that we had no real use for. It's incredible.

We have also taken the car to Autobell for the deluxe-clean-everything-for-me package so now we are ready to move Parker's car seat over and put the baby's seat in there. Weird but cool. I am so ready to have this baby boy.